Date: November 14, 2018
Even though I've been trying not to think about the contest, the truth is it's been eating at me. It's one thing not to win, whatever, maybe the other entries were better than mine. But after seeing what did win, I just can't figure out what his piece had that made it better than mine. It sure as hell wasn't the art.
I printed my drawing out and showed it to Rudy after class. I asked him if he could tell me why it didn't win anything, especially compared to Carver's. I could tell the question made him uncomfortable, but I needed to know and he was the only person I could think to ask.
He reminded me again and again that he wasn't a judge of the contest and didn't know why they made the decisions they made, but I didn't care. I kept pressing for an answer, until he finally said, “Well, this goes back to what I've been telling you about your art being generic.”
He pointed out that my character had his back to the viewer. That the background was nondescript and didn't add anything to the context of the drawing, to the story – he said it looked like a weird epic hallway, not the kind of place a martial arts guy would fight zombies. And he said that the choice to have the weapon be a paintbrush, with rainbow paint on the bristles, was “cheesy.”
“What were you thinking of when you did it?” He asked me. “I'm guessing something like 'The power of art defeating mindless conformity'?”
I hated hearing it said that way. That was what I'd been thinking. I thought it made sense, for a contest hosted by an organization that was supporting arts in young people, or whatever. Like it was a message they could get behind. But when Rudy said it, it sounded hokey.
“You need to stop caring about what you think other people want to see,” he said seriously, looking me in the eye. “I don't care if that means you leave your comfort zone and hand in crap for the next few weeks, I want you to make art the way you like to. I want you to smile while you're making the work, and not just after you get good feedback. I want to see something vulnerable from you, Jake.”
I told him I had no idea what he was expecting me to do, how I was supposed to do that. Rudy said I should go to the art supplies store and buy something I'd never tried before that looked interesting, and bring that to class next week. So I guess that's fucking happening.
Excuse me while I go hit my head against a wall.
J.