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Date: December 5, 2018


Our final projects for drawing class were assigned today, and they'll be due in two weeks. Because our teacher's Rudy, we have a ton of freedom to make our drawings whatever we want them to be; he just wants us to demonstrate the skills we've been working on all semester, like gesture, form, value, perspective – we don't even have to include all the skills, but he wants to see at least a few.


I'm not really worried about showing him what I can do technically. Rudy himself has already said he can see that I'm good at drawing. But all this semester, he's been challenging me on the content of my drawings. To "put myself on the page" and "make myself vulnerable.” Why would anyone want to be vulnerable?


Putting myself on the page, though... I think that's something I can do. So I think, for my final, I'm going to do a self-portrait. I've never done one before, but it seems like something Rudy would like. And the more I think about it, the more I wonder what it'd come out looking like...


So wish me luck.


J.

Date: December 11, 2018


I'm having a lot of trouble figuring out how I'm supposed to draw myself.


None of these sketches feel right.

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Date: December 18, 2018


My first semester of art school ends tomorrow. It's weird to think that it was just four months ago I started this blog, thinking everything was going to be amazing and that I was going to kick art school's ass. Looking back, I feel like I've aged a hundred years since then.


I finished my self-portrait two nights ago. Tomorrow I get to take it to class and get Rudy's feedback. I'm kind of nervous to see what he's going to say. Drawing a self-portrait was definitely a lot more... private, than I thought it was gonna be. I kept looking at myself in photographs, and in the mirror, and it made me wonder how other people see me. Whether it's how I want them to see me or not. And realizing I had the power to draw myself differently from how I might actually come off was kind of a trip.


But in the end, I feel good about what I've got. Maybe Rudy will like it, or maybe he'll think I wasn't daring enough, or whatever. Maybe Carver will come in with a self-portrait too, and there'll be blood coming from his eyeballs or something and Rudy will start weeping over the narrative.


What I mean is, maybe Rudy will like it, or maybe he won't, but I like it either way. And I had fun making it. And I think the point is, for right now, that's all that matters.





J.

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