nudes

Date: November 11, 2018

at least I can still get stuff done for school

confronting my inanity

Date: November 14, 2018

Even though I've been trying not to think about the contest, the truth is it's been eating at me. It's one thing not to win, whatever, maybe the other entries were better than mine. But after seeing what did win, I just can't figure out what his piece had that made it better than mine. It sure as hell wasn't the art.

I printed my drawing out and showed it to Rudy after class. I asked him if he could tell me why it didn't win anything, especially compared to Carver's. I could tell the question made him uncomfortable, but I needed to know and he was the only person I could think to ask.

He reminded me again and again that he wasn't a judge of the contest and didn't know why they made the decisions they made, but I didn't care. I kept pressing for an answer, until he finally said, “Well, this goes back to what I've been telling you about your art being generic.”

He pointed out that my character had his back to the viewer. That the background was nondescript and didn't add anything to the context of the drawing, to the story – he said it looked like a weird epic hallway, not the kind of place a martial arts guy would fight zombies. And he said that the choice to have the weapon be a paintbrush, with rainbow paint on the bristles, was “cheesy.”

“What were you thinking of when you did it?” He asked me. “I'm guessing something like 'The power of art defeating mindless conformity'?”

I hated hearing it said that way. That was what I'd been thinking. I thought it made sense, for a contest hosted by an organization that was supporting arts in young people, or whatever. Like it was a message they could get behind. But when Rudy said it, it sounded hokey.

“You need to stop caring about what you think other people want to see,” he said seriously, looking me in the eye. “I don't care if that means you leave your comfort zone and hand in crap for the next few weeks, I want you to make art the way you like to. I want you to smile while you're making the work, and not just after you get good feedback. I want to see something vulnerable from you, Jake.”

I told him I had no idea what he was expecting me to do, how I was supposed to do that. Rudy said I should go to the art supplies store and buy something I'd never tried before that looked interesting, and bring that to class next week. So I guess that's fucking happening.

Excuse me while I go hit my head against a wall.

J.

the haul

Date: November 19, 2018

I followed Rudy's instructions and went to the art supplies store today. I tried to keep an open mind, but it was weird not knowing what I was looking for, exactly.

I skipped past the sections I usually go for, the colored pencils and the inking pens, and ended up by the watercolor stuff. Some of the palettes looked really cool, but they were way out of my price range. For this just being an experiment, I wasn't about to drop so much money on something I might never use again. But then I saw these:

Did you guys know they make water brush pens? Because I had no idea, and it honestly blew my mind. I guess I've always liked working with wet media, but it's so much stuff to carry that it's impractical when I wanna work anywhere that's not just my desk. And even though I didn't have the money for a whole new palette, I figure that I still have the watercolor palette I was using in high school, and a bunch of bottles of ink, too. And I wanted to see if this brush really works the way it promises, so I decided to go for it.

I wonder if Rudy's gonna regret his advice when I turn drawing class into a second painting class.

J.